Hopelessly confounded...

I don't have a specific topic I want to right about per se...

Well, I have ideas, several of them, nothing specific comes to mind at the moment.

I've decided to give up drinking after becoming embarrasingly drunk on saturday and getting thrown of Rebecca's bar by a fucking frenchfrog bouncer, I don't really remember much. I'd had a lot to drink, and vaguely recall stealing some revolting green cocktail.

I wandered home, drunk, rambling. Which seems to be now a recurring theme in our increasing volatile 'relationship.'

I've been working a lot lately, more than I'd like; but I need the money.

The shifts are ridiculous the people are disgusting, and I'm becoming more and more filled with disdain. I remember when I first had the idea to start this blog. It was to help me manifest success into my life through documenting my ideas, plans, hopes and dreams.

I suppose lately it's been the exact opposite. A catalogue of misadventures, angst, a record of my incessant debauchery and my seemingly unending appetite for self destruction; as I become more of a Henry Chinaski than a Matthew McConaughey.

It strikes me as bizarre how this is happening. I used to be such a control freak; and I haven't even mentioned that my mother has found my vaporizer pipe and what she will obviously presume to be weed. Strangely, she hasn't said a word. Perhaps she will just treat this as another piece of corroborative evidence as to my precarious mental state.

After I'd taken a couple of days off, I'd thought about posting my 'new years resolutions preamble' for next year.

I think the top will have to be take control. Nay, that starts now. Perhaps it would be better said that 2008 should be a year of maintaining control.

I'm self aware enough to realise that I am obviously becoming increasingly addicted to drunken drama, and it's something I very much have to stop.

My thinking is if I don't cut our ethyl alcohol, due to the way I'm using it as a form of 'inner game' substitute, (really, no precisely accurate word comes to mind) it's only a matter of time before I become fully dependant on it for my 'state', piece of mind, drama fix, et al.
Or in a worst case scenario I do something extremely stupid and end up seriously hurt or hurting someone.
It really wouldn't be farfetched to think such thoughts as stupidity, whilst under the influence is something which is now fully manifested and congruent.

I'll record the rest at a later time. I'm going to read now as a way of getting 'outside of my head'.

Perhaps that last sentence will make a good beginning for tommorows piece as I completely psycoanalyse myself and shred away the opaque layers of my ego and 'personality', which are once more becoming dangerously intertwined, like an onion.

Whatever.

Later.

-Michael