Futility and ego...

Lately, my ego has had an upsurgence again. I've spent the last three weeks, getting 'outside of my head'.

I've been on a downward spiral of sorts as I've been on a drinking binge, with some filthy 18year old, when I haven't been drinking, I've been lazy and consumately unmotivated as to do anything productive.

What's causing this? Is it the fact that I have few friends, work in a menial job, and have very little money. No, all of that is completely irrelevant.

It's all ego, as Eckhart Tolle would say.

My story of who I am is becoming conflicted.

I just have to realise that the past few weeks are completely irrelevant. It's easy to get into these patterns. I recall reading in Influence by Cialdini, how natural human instinct is to be consistent with past decisions.

If we're talking consistency here, then at the current rate, it would be only too easy for me suffer a downfall similar to that of your typical Irvine Welsh protagonist.

Although it's still coming from a place of ego, I would naturally, as would anyone in their right mind have to shift my thoughts from being a scumbag on a downward slope to someone with a purpose, desire, a drive and hunger to succeed. Not just to get by on a day to day basis.

''What one man can do, any man can do.''

Saying this is no good as simply only an affirmation, it has to be a belief.

Corraboaritive evidence in the past would suggest I do believe this.

I['m starting now rekindling that fire of desire, that hunger and crux of self-belief where I believe that everything is quite simply attainable.

This isn't no recital of Tony Robbins bullshit, I have to pick myself up and be the ripped abs hero, super genius of glory.

Girls at the moment are irrelevant. I spend way too much time thinking about girls. I have to have some 'me' time, at least me doing everything I want to do.

Ego? Yes, maybe.

I have to rekindle that sense of self-satisfaction once more. Truly, stop giving a fuck; and start doing everything literally for my self once again.

Getting laid is truly the last thing on my mind right now.

I want to get fit and get my abs sexy and ripped for me.

I want to read everything under the sun, for me.

I want to be a fantastic writer, for me.

I want to do interesting things, for me.

I'm going to stop drinking, for me, and so on.

Striving forward with desire, passion and a determination to succeed has to be my modus operandi, for me.

It's personal standards.

Like Tolle says in A New Earth, your ego is there, as long as you realise it is there that's enough.

-Michael

Not a particuarly great entry. Nonetheless, I think it was essential for my peace of mind.

I'm gonna lord up, and make christmas 2007 a one of magical glory.