Drinking....

I had my first drink when I was about thirteen, I actually bought it myself. I convinced the shop owner I was a vertically challenged eighteen year old, similar to the late Joe C from 'Kid Rock'... and he served me. What the fuck? This may very well have set the precedent for years to come.

Alcohol + Michael = absurdity.

The next time I went into the shop though, he'd figured it out, and asked me for ID which I wasn't able to provide. Obviously.

As we got a bit older, we used make 'shit mixes', which you'd make by basically ramsacking your grandparents spirit rack when they weren't looking and pouring a small portion of each spirit into a small plastic bottle and then hide the bottle and get drunk by passing it around with your friends, or if your friends weren't man enough, you'd just drink that crunk yourself.

This was the case, the first time I got REALLY drunk, we were at a girls house from our social circle, and I proceeded to get wasted and humiliate myself. My best friend threatened to beat me up because I had such red eye and was completely embarrasing myself amongst my social peers.

This pattern continued every now and again, one of my memories of guilt from my teenage years was getting caught by my grandmother when she accidentally knocked my coat off the hook to uncover a quarter bottle of whiskey I'd hidden inside the pocket. I still feel really bad about that actually.

We started hitting the bars when we were fifteen, me and this really skinny guy called Dean, who I fell out with later, but at the time he was my only friend. We'd go out with £10 and make it last all night (somehow). It really wasn't difficult at all to get served. You only have to be eighteen to drink, and aslong as you memorised a birthdate which when accumulated made you eighteen you were gold.

So we'd go out, I fell in love with a barmaid, used to pretty much furtively stalk her whilst I tried to make my £10 last. Me and the skinny guy fell out over something. I went back to my old group of friends, we got particuarly drunk one night, and I got thrown out of a bar for the first time at the age of fifteen for sitting on top of one of those stupid gambling machines, god only knows what possessed me to do something so stupid. I walked home, bleery eyed and warbling. A theme that has made a renaissance in recent weeks.

I started drinking with my older-cousin a short while afer this, after my deranged obsession for barmaid girl had reached boiling point, I was thrown out of a bar for the second time in my life. This was the same night I managed to drink my self sober for the first time.

We'd go out every friday night, as I, an aspiring sixteen year old drinker attempted to conquer ten pints of lager every single friday night. There was a lot of projectile vomiting.

I went into my first nightclub, a large room full of the dregs of society really, lots of dance music. In hindsight it was the most disgusting place you could ever go, ten pounds in, as much as you could drink. Naturally I loved it. I kissed my first girl on a night-out on the same night. She was hot. I was addicted.

I drank incessantly for the next three years,amassing a glorious beer belly in the process. At the age of ninteen I decided it would be best to cut out lager in order to get a six pack. My new tipple would be vodka and soda, less than 100 hundred calories no carbs.

As a side effect though, I actually get more drunk on Vodka and soda than I do on regular lager and end up getting into more bizarre situations, and as a consequence, recieve messages such as this:


''Subject:

YOUR FUCKING CRAZY!

Body:
SO FUCK OFF WRITIN BLOGS!! YOU LOSER MORON WITH NO FRIENDS! GET A LIFE AND STOP RUINING EVERYONE ELSES!! TAKE A HINT YOUR BARRED FROM TTONIC! BECOZ YOUR A PYSCHO DRUNKEN TWAT!!!


LEAVE ME ALONE


I HAVE A LIFE START GETTING ONE FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''

My drinking seems to have came full circle. This was off a girl I'd been sleeping with, a barmaid incidentally, until I got thrown out for being a drunken lunatic in her bar on saturday night.

I think it's time I gave up drinking indefinitely; and I'm not even 21 yet.

-Michael