What I want

I want some time away from all of these people. All of these fucking distractions. I want to sit and read for days on end in peace without having to be subjected to stupid fucking people. I want to stay up all night and watch stupid movies of people being slaughtered, zany cartoons, porn and naked girls cavorting. I want to watch strange sci-fi re-runs from the 1960's and be at peace with myself.

I want to draw pictures and write poems about how fed up I am with life, the status quo, and how I can't find love. How I'm so dishevelled that I can't find love, that I break down every romantic interaction into stages, that I'm constantly ticking off boxes in my head. Attraction, comfort, trust, rapport, value, venue shift, seduction. Running through a list of generic stories designed to illicit reactions, a laugh here, an attraction spike there, demonstrating non-neediness. Is she commited to the interaction? Yes. Am I being cocky and funny? Am I testing? Am I coming across as different in a preferential way? Will she hold my hand? Check. Does she let me stroke her hair? Cool. I can kiss her. When I grab her forearm does her arm end up around my waist? Check, check. Time to make out. Am I being dominant, assertive, unreactive? Yep. Honest and authentic? Well sort of. How well am I empathising with this girl? How much of a connection do we have? Do we have many commonalities? Commonalities are *great* for rapport building.

Am I leading? Are my responses coming from a place of abundance, and core self-esteem? This shit is a blessing and a curse. On the plus side I'm never under any illusions where I stand with a girl. On the down side, I can't find a girl I really like, because their is no thrill. The reactions are predictable. The only thing that ever fucks me over is myself. Even when I fuck up. I just don't care. Simply reframe it. For her. For myself.

I am controlled by my ego. Not the other way around.

I am a no-good talentless, uncreative hack with no originallity. My conversation is banal. I know how to button-push. My personality is an elaborate constructI have created (with help from google) to control conversations. I am becoming robotic. I constantly assess my social position. I am an insecure egoist.

This is who I am. This is a breakdown of my natural personality. My natural personality in a can.

I have no idea who I really am.

Breaking down what works...

So I'm on a freaking roll as of late. I feel invincible. I've been thinking a lot lately about being a natural, and what it means to be a natural. A natural to me who just gets the girls without thinking. They run on sheer impulsiveness and voila!

I was on one of my favourite websites the other day, and I realised how much of what I do is still sort of button pushing, reaction seeking based 'game'. I still say things that I know are going to get a particular reaction, move me forward, I still frame control, conciously dominate. Although I've thoroughly internalised TMM now, I constantly sift, note where I am on the Mystery Method model and how to escalate. If we're just working on the basis of doing whatever comes naturally to you, then yes, this is natural for me.

The thing which is concerning me is, how much I (sometimes unconciously sometimes not) require the attention. The disconcerting part is when you start to lie to get your reactions. It just reeks of button pushing. The problem with it is, you're ego begins to crave the reactions and thus delves further into the well, and will create ANYTHING even lies to back up this story you're crafting for yourself, so you can continue to get the reactions. It's validation seeking. So in a way, you're relying on the reactions of others or atleast certain people for your 'sense of self'. Why, am I so determined for people to like me? No. It's a little piece of insecuity, and all insecurity is to me is ego.

The only way is self amusement and garnering your fun from within. From your core. From the fucking sou. For me, I'm on a strict dose of total honesty, Gandhi and Eckhart Tolle from now on. I'm gonna get my fun from putting myself on the line 250%

Start living for myself. FUCK THE EGO. Actually, even saying fuck the ego is giving strength to it, but that's for a different post all together.

Livin' on the edge.

-Michael

Night plans

This next 28 days my intention is to get fully back on track with my reading, workout EVERY day. Get my abs totally ripped. I am a vein self-aggrandising douchebag afterall. Listen to Eckhart Tolle every night before bed. Start enjoying myself a lot more.

Fell off the wagon last night. Met my boys Butcher and Andy in White Room 9:30ish. We hang out shoot the breeze go to a couple of bars. Me and Butcher do a few approaches, all open well. ''Who would you rather have sex with Mick Jagger or Rod Stewart?'' I'm impressed at how sharp I am although I haven't been out much at all this year. I see a really hot looking girl. I do my smoothest approach of the night. Seamless transition off the opener, she's grabbing me and pulling me in. I get her number and eject. I'm pleased with myself, although I should have stuck in their longer and escalated until failure. I hate phonecalls and you can't fuck a phonenumber.

Nonetheless, we move on. All is pretty smooth. Go to another couple of bars and then hit the club. Butcher and I are competing to see who can hold a coversation the longest by saying only ''Matt Damon'' I actually stick in their for like fucking five minutes with one girl. I should have just clawed her in and madeout.

Damon is very solid.

We meet a couple of girls I know and go to a shitty latenight pizza place. I order a jacket potato with tuna and sweetcorn, the healthiest most nutritionally balanced dietary option on the menu. Although I shouldn't be eating starchy carbs after dark. Sit down next to one of the girls. Proceed makeout within fifteen seconds. Arguments and tempestuous food throwing is ensuing around me. I am too tired for all of this bullshit. I tell everyone to calm down and shut the fuck up and continue with my makeout session.

My friend and one of the girls leaves. I'm left with the girl I've been making out with. Back to the club. Well fuck, this is just shooting fish in the barrell. Hardcore tongue down, fingering deluxe. I'm concerned that I'm going to ruin the lay by going too far in the club. I qualify her on being a dirty little slut. Do a few minor venue changes. I keep it cool, my frame is tight. I look at the girl and empathise with her. I see the magical little angel within her soul, not the outer dirty little slut. Powerful.

Eventually we leave. Go back to mine. Sex. I kick her out of the house. All in all a decent night. The lay only took a few hours. My hiatus from the drinking and the club scene doesn't seem to have affected me at all. Sharp as ever. Few minor niggles, they'll smoothen out though. Lacklustre post tonight, but hey.

The moral of the story is, the more you do of something. The better you get. The more success you have. You begin to see patterns and from that you can't develop and be successful. Practise doesn't make perfect. Practise makes permanent. Permament practise makes perfect. Therefore aim for consistency.

-Michael