What I want

I want some time away from all of these people. All of these fucking distractions. I want to sit and read for days on end in peace without having to be subjected to stupid fucking people. I want to stay up all night and watch stupid movies of people being slaughtered, zany cartoons, porn and naked girls cavorting. I want to watch strange sci-fi re-runs from the 1960's and be at peace with myself.

I want to draw pictures and write poems about how fed up I am with life, the status quo, and how I can't find love. How I'm so dishevelled that I can't find love, that I break down every romantic interaction into stages, that I'm constantly ticking off boxes in my head. Attraction, comfort, trust, rapport, value, venue shift, seduction. Running through a list of generic stories designed to illicit reactions, a laugh here, an attraction spike there, demonstrating non-neediness. Is she commited to the interaction? Yes. Am I being cocky and funny? Am I testing? Am I coming across as different in a preferential way? Will she hold my hand? Check. Does she let me stroke her hair? Cool. I can kiss her. When I grab her forearm does her arm end up around my waist? Check, check. Time to make out. Am I being dominant, assertive, unreactive? Yep. Honest and authentic? Well sort of. How well am I empathising with this girl? How much of a connection do we have? Do we have many commonalities? Commonalities are *great* for rapport building.

Am I leading? Are my responses coming from a place of abundance, and core self-esteem? This shit is a blessing and a curse. On the plus side I'm never under any illusions where I stand with a girl. On the down side, I can't find a girl I really like, because their is no thrill. The reactions are predictable. The only thing that ever fucks me over is myself. Even when I fuck up. I just don't care. Simply reframe it. For her. For myself.

I am controlled by my ego. Not the other way around.

I am a no-good talentless, uncreative hack with no originallity. My conversation is banal. I know how to button-push. My personality is an elaborate constructI have created (with help from google) to control conversations. I am becoming robotic. I constantly assess my social position. I am an insecure egoist.

This is who I am. This is a breakdown of my natural personality. My natural personality in a can.

I have no idea who I really am.